No Substitute For Experience

There is one candidate that deeply concerns me; Marco Rubio. His extreme hostility toward gay Americans saddens me. Not only does he want our community to continually be treated like second-class citizens but if he had it his way he would do whatever it took to eradicate us completely.

He has vowed to use tax-payers money (and his precious time as President) to overturn any law(s) that treat us equally. I find it terribly upsetting that he vowed to work hard overturning DADT. Thousands of gay Americans fight for his rights and freedom every day and he wants to strip those soldiers from their careers – how despicable.

He strongly opposes loving same-gender families from adopting and even helped raise money for conversion therapy. Believing that being gay is a choice clearly shows his lack of understanding/education on who we are, and our community.

I’ll end here for now but how hypocritical must one be to enjoy all the freedoms and equal treatment that his parents came to America searching for to gain citizenship and then turn around and use our system to take away freedoms and equal treatment from other Americans!?!

Because there is no substitute for experience I  wonder his reaction if he were the one in this video clip?

 

Did A&E cave to money or truly want to educate?

A&E decided to reinstate Phil Robertson. I get it! We live in a money over morals world and Duck Dynasty brings the network money.  I am however grateful to hear A&E is going to work with Phil and the family to educate them on inclusion and the gay community.  I pray that Phil continues to spiritually grow and we see a more Christ-like love-motivated Christian and less of a judgmental (comparing gay people to everything horrible in the world) Christian.  In the meantime I encourage Phil to be more observant of his literalist interpretation of the Word.  He too can be on the other end of biblical cherry-picking, finger-pointing and condemnation; “Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him.” 1 Corinthians 11:14

Duck Dynasty

I fought fervently to stay out of this nonsensical debacle however after a whirlwind of input requests decided to oblige my devotees – half joke, of course.

All jokes aside; you cannot bash and trash a minority group and then hide behind the cover of religion (done so many times in the past) and expect to keep a public position. Have we learned nothing from Paula Deen!?!  Phil Robertson was rightfully fired from A&E. And last I knew Phil Robertson is still a free man so those throwing the first amendment phrase around like a volley-ball need to take pause.

Phil Robertson did not kindly state his personal biblical interpretation of gay people and opposition of gay marriage and simply get fired (as we often hear on Fox ruse). Like all extremists his vile attacks and lies were offensive and damaging “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.” I would be deeply saddened to have my son read or hear these statements made about his dads.

I do believe in the first amendment and freedom of speech. I do not however believe freedom of speech equates to freedom from consequence. I am a public educator and can pretty much say anything I want to my students without getting arrested. That does not mean, however, that I will not get fired for doing so.

Do You Need Duck Feathers?

I was raised in a victim-mentality family. In short, a person with a victim mentality rarely ever takes responsibility or accountability for their actions.  People that choose to live in the victim mentality world will always fault and blame others for what is or went wrong in their life.  As a child it did not matter what I did, how I did it, when, why, where, or the fact that my intentions were good.  What was guaranteed however, was that I would undoubtedly without fail “offend” or “hurt” someone’s feelings. Once blame was cast I could then be accused of and responsible for whatever went wrong at the time.  It took me decades to realize that I do not own any of the woes in my family.  At the same time realized one of life’s most powerful quotes, “hurt people hurt people!”  

Another favorite and powerfully true quote is; “we do not see things as they are rather how we are.”  Whatever we carry around within ourselves is the lens in which we look at life.  While some choose to view life through rose-colored glasses, others choose resentment, fear, animosity, anger and unforgiveness. Whatever resides in us, and we dwell on, will certainly skew our perception and interpretation of the world around us.  I have learned a lot from my family including one of life’s most important lessons; you cannot change anyone but yourself.  Attempting to change others is wasted energy and sure to bring frustration to both parties.  Another great, healthy and important skill/lesson I have learned is the power and gift of forgiveness.  This journey has been a long road and, at times, leads to frustration primarily because I am constantly forgiving extreme hurts when there is no responsibility, accountability or change in the lives of those I am forgiving.  I am sure many of you have experienced the same exhausting and discouraging outcome.

From the time our brain understands and processes our surroundings (usually pre-toddler) we are capable of experiencing and remembering hurts.  Because we tend to personalize hurts they eventually begin to chip and eat away at our self-esteem, self-image and identity.  Unattended hurts are cancerous and often prevent us from reaching our fullest potential.  These wounds happen at home, at school, in our childhood, teen years (graduations/celebrations), relationships, jobs, anniversaries, weddings etc.  From important events and milestones to everyday living we are exposed to the potential sharp stab of hurt.  If these jabs are not dealt with in an immediate and healthy manner they eventually compound.  Before long these solidified hurts can turn any human into a walking tightly bound ball of anger and animosity.

So what exactly is forgiveness and how do we forgive?  There are many definitions of forgiveness and in all honesty it may be beneficial to find or create one that is suitable to your personality.  For starters let me tell you what forgiveness does not mean:

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean the offense is excused

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean the offense is condoned

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting the offense/offender

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you are not affected or even (deeply) hurt by the offense.  It does mean however that you are making a clear, confident decision that you are putting yourself first and refusing to carry the affliction any longer. 

Forgiveness, to me, is “choosing happiness by releasing your burden to God.”  Therefore the hurt and pain is no longer mine to deal with but is now in God’s hands for Him to deal with.  When you no longer own something you no longer have any responsibility with or to it.  Once you handover your hurt to God trust Him to deal with it.  It is no longer yours to stress about and to do so would be a waste of time, counter-productive and just plain foolish.

So how do we forgive?  In my opinion it is best to be proactive and walk in constant forgiveness.  Hurt, anger, frustration etc. has a way of permeating our thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Like quick growing weeds it spreads like wild-fire affecting and consuming us.  It never ceases to amaze me how quickly hurt can change a person. This is why it is imperative to be proactive.  The instant you feel hurt approaching talk to yourself (out loud if necessary) and say, “This will not control me.  I will not be easily offended, and I will forgive.”

 Intention vs. Behavior

 Every single person in your life – no matter their role, involvement, or the frequency of your paths crossing has a good potential of hurting you.  Either by words, actions or otherwise their behavior may cause you discomfort and possibly frustration/hurt.  Often one of the key questions I ask myself during such times is, “did this person make a conscious decision to intentionally hurt me?” If the answer is no (which it usually is) I simply remind myself that, just as I am, this person is human and fallible.  I then humbly put away my violin and leave the pity-party I selfishly threw.

Let me be clear that I am not advocating we become doormats or punching bags for the impulses and emotional whims of those around us.  There are times – for our sanity – we must re-position ourselves, re-think our expectations of certain people, and of course even distance ourselves from intentionally hurtful and negative people.  If, after much prayer and reflection, you feel it is best to do this it is healthy and beneficial to do so with as much love and forgiveness toward them as possible.

Years ago I went to visit my uncle in the hospital whom I haven’t seen or spoke with in years.  While he lay on his death-bed I said these words to him.

“I want you to know that I earnestly and from the bottom of my heart completely forgive you for all of the sexual abuse I endured while in your care.  I want you to be with God and soar with the angels.  Know that what you did to me is completely forgiven, and I love you.”

 I did not wait for nor want a response.  I walked out of the room and prayed he made peace with his creator.  The next time I saw him was in his coffin.  I refused then what I refuse to this day; to let the actions of others steal my joy, happiness, and prevent me from being all that I was created to be.  If I were to let the actions of others affect me by unforgiveness it would change who I am ultimately robbing me from reaching my fullest potential.  How unfair to me, my creator, my spouse, children, and the world I live in.  You and your loved ones deserve a free, whole and complete you!

I was recently reading a research article where leading doctors agreed that the number one factor in advanced aging and health problems is stress.  Unforgiveness and stress go hand-in-hand! Unforgiveness harbors tension, frustration, anger, hurt and is a complete joy-thief.  Let’s not forget that unforgiveness also makes it difficult and challenging to love people we want to love.  Joyce Meyer put it best in her New York Times bestselling book Power Thoughts, “I was very angry and bitter toward my father for abusing me and I ended up mistreating my husband who had nothing at all to do with it.” (pg 138)  All unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness and anger does is rob you from being all that you were meant to be.  Why would you give anyone that much power?  Not to mention, for us believers, forgiveness is pretty much a mandate.  “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15 KJV).

For believers reading this, do you remember the parable in Mathew 18 of the unforgiven servant?  Bottom line Jesus forgives us constantly.  Every day we wake up forgiven, a completely new slate.  Jesus also has an answer for how often we need to forgive, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:15-22).  Jesus made it very clear; you don’t forgive others, I cannot forgive you (Mathew 5:24).  As believers we have a direct life-line to our creator.  Our heart cannot function optimally when our arteries are clogged.  Similarly we cannot function optimally when our life-line is.  Choosing forgiveness leaves our life-line healthy and spotless for blessings to flow.  There is redemption however for those reading this and feeling completely walked on from others who have, or continue to, mistreat you.  “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord” (Romans 12:19 NIV). Simply put it is no longer a matter of will this person get dealt with, but when!  Once God (our spiritual attorney and redeemer) has our case it is no longer our business and we need to stay out of His courtroom.

For the purpose of this blog I asked a dear friend of mine how they would be confident they had in fact truly forgiven another.  His response was quite fitting, “Forgiveness has taken place when you can remember the wrong that was done without feeling resentment or desire to pursue revenge.”  Although I completely agree with this great response I want to add that it is okay to fake it till you make it if necessary.  Again, if someone is truly unhealthy to be around than it is your duty to keep your sanity by placing distance between you.  Other than that forgive, and forgive often.  You were not designed to be weighed down, rather to live free.  As Bishop T.D. Jakes states, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping the offender would die.”

Recently I took our toddler to the local duck pond.  He was having the time of his life tossing corn into the water and watching the ducks dive after it.  His laughter warmed my heart and while enjoying our bundle of joy and our bonding time I noticed something.  I noticed that every time water landed on a duck it immediately ran off.  The water did not even get a chance to bubble or the need to be shaken off – it simply rolled off as soon as it touched the duck.  It was almost as if there was an invisible shield around the ducks body.  I thought “this is precisely what people need.”  We need armor where hurts, pains, anger and frustrations roll off before having the chance to even penetrate our skins surface.  This armor, should we choose to wear it, is forgiveness.  It would be what I stated previously; walking in constant forgiveness.

Walking in constant forgiveness is especially vital for us who are gay.  Unfortunately we have a thousand arrows approaching on our left and ten thousand on our right – at times, daily.  Sadly it is usually the names of family who hang from those daggers. One of the reasons ducks do not drown is because water cannot weigh them down.  It is our personal responsibility to ensure we do not emotionally or spiritually drown as well.  Do you need duck feathers?

Being hurt, afraid, frustrated, angered etc., are all natural and healthy emotions.  You are supposed to feel these things (I’d be concerned if you did not).  However, these are emotions that should not be allowed to vacation in your soul.  Time does NOT heal all wounds.  It is what you choose to think about, and do with your time that will depend on healing (or not).  There will be times when unforgiveness feels good.  After all unforgiveness gives us a false sense of power because when we hold onto anger we feel powerful.  Anger however is a FALSE sense of power.  When we are angry we are actually at our weakest.

Do not sell yourself short by putting conditions on your forgiveness.  You give yourself the gift of forgiveness regardless of the other party.  Keep in mind some people are too ashamed to apologize or view apologizing as weak thus they feel vulnerable.  When you combine the feeling of vulnerability with low-self-esteem (and any other crosses many wrestle with) it’s no wonder why some resort to anger instead of apologizing.  After all anger is an easy and justifiable way to allow us a (false) sense of empowerment.

I want to conclude this blog with two quotes that I believe are appropriate.   Before I close this entry however, let me remind you that the holidays are quickly approaching and what better gift to give yourself than the gift to forgive.  God bless you now and always.  “The more I think about it the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.”  Vincent Van Gogh.  “Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, because hate in your heart will consume you.”  Will Smith

I (Insert your name) Cherry-pick the Bible

Our family recently moved back to my hometown of upstate of New York.  After the long, exhausting and tedious process of unpacking, we discovered a few items that we could part with so I placed an ad in one of our local papers.  A few days passed when I received an email asking if we still had our humidifier for sale.  I replied that yes in fact we did and would be happy to let it go for next to nothing.  The next day a gentleman came and shortly thereafter both he and the humidifier were on the road to his place.  I thought little of our transaction and immediately went on with my day caring for our toddler, dinner prep, laundry, vacuuming etc.

Later that evening I decided to log on to the computer and respond to a few pending emails.  Upon opening my account found, to my surprise, several emails from “Bob”, the gentleman who bought our humidifier.   Was he ok, I thought? Was something wrong with the humidifier (though I checked if it worked and it did just fine)?  Did he leave something at our house etc.?  Concern and curiosity ran through my mind as I clicked his first email.

Leviticus 18:22 “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is abomination” was his first email followed by a lecture about Gods word and how His word does not change.  I scanned his very long and drawn out interpretations of the five presumed anti-gay verses and clicked delete.  The next email started with Romans 1:27 “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of women….”  His almost four-page email went on and on and of course, ended with his personal opinion on exactly why God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.  Apparently, during his visit, Bob noticed that we were a two-dad family and he had to make it his mission and duty to inform us that we were spiritually in wrong standing.  I pondered, for a moment, about responding with a litany of Bible verses (starting with Ezekiel 16:49 which negates the Sodom and Gomorrah gay theory) however due to my pending emails and demanding toddler, I simply thanked him for his time and for sharing his interpretation of the sacred text.

Bobs email got me thinking, however.  Not only do I strongly disagree with his literal interpretation of the five clobber verses but why do so many conveniently finger-point and cherry-pick the Bible (as well as Qur’an/Torah/book of Mormon etc.)?  Does it make people feel better about themselves?  Do people feel as if they are in good spiritual standing by picking and choosing verses in an attempt to condemn others?  Does cherry-picking make some feel enlightened or knowledgeable?  Does cherry-picking and pointing the finger make some feel authoritative? Although I do not have the answer, I do know we ALL cherry-pick the Bible.  I decided that I could either spend my energy being bothered by Bob’s attacks or use his inappropriate emails as an opportunity to motivate this blog entry.

When I was a teenager I remember talking with my friends after they had an upsetting squabble with their parents and without fail would hear, “doesn’t it say somewhere in the Bible that parents should not put their children to wrath” (Ephesians 6:4)? I also recall my own parents on many an occasion reciting “The Bible clearly says you must honor your mother and father” (Exodus 20:12).

Recently I was speaking with my aunt, whose husband is a minister, and she shared with me that any time she would disagree with my uncle he would remind her that, “woman should submit to their husbands” (Colossians 3:18).  To this, she would respond, “if you loved me like Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) we wouldn’t be having this disagreement.”

The fact is we ALL can throw around Bible verses to prove any point we want to make.  Whether you are a male and want women “checked” married and want to keep your spouse “checked”, white and want to keep blacks “checked”, straight and want to keep gays “checked”, or a parent and want to keep your kids “checked.” Whether you are circumcised or not, Christian or not, choose to masturbate, marry or stay celibate we can all cherry-pick the Bible and “check” one another. We can either forgive others’ wrong-doings using the Bible (Matthew 6:14) or justify our vengeful behavior with an eye for an eye (Exodus 21:24) – the examples are endless.  But when we “check” one another aren’t we (allow me to cherry-pick now) judging one another (Matthew 7:1-2) and the Bible clearly states that we should not. That being said are we, as Christians, supposed to keep our voice and light under the metaphoric bushel? Absolutely not, but opinions not asked for are nothing less than an intrusion.  I do not recall intrusion being a virtue of Christ and we are called to, at least work on, becoming more Christ-like (John 3:30).

In my almost thirty years of walking with the Father, I have come to the conclusion that the Bible must be taken all seriously, however not all literally.  If we were to take all Bible verses literally, out of context, and without the historical perspectives in which they were written, we would all be walking around with one eye (Mark 9:47).

Romans 3:23 states, “For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  Imagine this world if instead of using our energy to intrude, cherry-pick and finger-point, we used it to love and pray for our brothers and sisters in Christ, and let God handle the rest (1 John 4:7-8).

Just live

I have a degree in teaching and theater, and a few credits shy of another in psychology.  What does this mean?  Well, it means I take great pleasure in sharing information, and often while doing so, it is with deep conviction, passion, depth, intensity and always theatrical flair.  This is fine and dandy in the right setting(s) however, in others, it can very easily annoy, discourage and irritate those around me.

When I came out to my family, I gave them little time to process my news.  Any questions or concerns from anyone were met with Shakespearean scorn.   I also made it my mission to email, mail, and mention every blog, every book, every television show and every cd or internet link about being gay and Christian.   Not one phone conversation ended without being rerouted to talk about my being gay and saved.  The years went on and my determination and momentum never slowed.  My family (immediate and extended) was constantly inundated with gay-related conversations, gay-related links, gay-related literature, gay-related anything and everything and I was not satisfied unless all were in complete agreement with me.  In retrospect, I was nothing less than a bully.  I honestly do not think that much of anything I ever said or sent was even remotely listened to or read.  Moreover, I am rather confident I pushed people away and jeopardized both my respect, as well as, relationships with many near and dear.

One Sunday our preacher gave the most beautiful sermon about how God overwhelmingly loves all of His children (every race, every orientation, every gender etc.) and blessed their lives.  I could not fully enjoy the service because the entire time I was so excited and fixated on all the family members that were going to get a copy of this message and be completely transformed.  As soon as possible, I attained a copy of the message and for the next several weeks did nothing but burn cd after cd.  I purchased CD envelopes and gathered all my families’ addresses (I have well over one hundred first cousins so this was a very time-consuming and laborious process).  I was on a mission; this was going to be life-changing and how exciting when the veil of ignorance finally lifts from my family’s eyes and revelation saturates hearts and minds.

The day came when my huge box of copied and addressed CDs were ready to be delivered.  I prayed the usual prayer over them that I have the last decade or so.  This time, however, I felt something very different.  I had a profoundly unsettling feeling in my spirit.  I could not quite put my finger on the awkward sensation in my soul but it was then I heard and felt the Lords soft and gentle voice.  “You have done it your way for years; now I want you to do it mine!”  Don’t send the cd’s I thought/asked?!?  Certainly, this could not be God because this was the great information my family so desperately needed to hear and was going to be life-changing for them.  I immediately began rebuking Satan to stop taunting me.  God’s words, however, continued to play over and over in my mind and wrestle my will.  I eventually asked, “Well God, what is your way?”  As long as I shall live, I will never forget the two words that literally changed my life; “Just live!”  I sat motionless for a few moments staring at the wall dazed at the profound words that just repositioned my life.  I slowly slid the box of cd’s under my bed and silently wept. I cried thinking of all the time wasted and relationships damaged simply because I chose to do things my way and not seek Gods.

As I lay in bed I recalled something I heard in church as a little boy.  I heard, “you are often the only Bible people are reading.”  I remember thinking at the time that the statement was pretty reflective and weighty.  As professing Christians we are constantly watched, judged, and assessed in everything we do and say.  It is important to ask yourself periodically “when people watch me, what type of Christ are they seeing, and is it a reflection of the true Christ?”

To this day, I still have my box of cd’s, yet I do what I was advised.  I just live!  Not only is my life far more peaceful, but I know I have won many hearts to God and opened many an eye to the truth that He does, in fact, have and love His gay children.

Every person and life is unique, and each of us with an individual calling.  Some of us are singers, politicians, etc., who spread the equality message globally.  Some have other platforms that God uses to share his enduring love of inclusion including those like me who were chosen to “just live.” Pebbles make mountains and raindrops make seas.  All we may see at times is the small ripple we make in the water but we forget that Gods message is riding on those eventual immeasurable waves.  What Bible is being read when others watch you?  God bless you, today and always.

* For other gay Christian blogs click here http://gcnjustin.tumblr.com/sanity *